This past Friday morning I was working on a presentation. Boss says, “Jen, can I speak with you for a second.” I pick up my notebook hopefully, ready to take down notes on my next assignment. But it was only a hope and I knew it – had known it for months.
Sitting down in a small, suffocating “cell,” I was told that they were eliminating my position because they needed to “right-size” the company, but nothing personal.
It was a line, yet another corporate term with no meaning. Like “take it to the next level” or “at the end of the day.” What’s wrong with the phrase, “When all is said and done,” – can’t we just go back to that one? It’s a little retro, but come on, retro is cool!!! Cool like my grandpa’s plaid polyester bellbottom pants that I wore the hell out of. But where was I? … Oh yeah, getting laid off.
I guess you could say my prior employer opened the cage for me. And I have flown out but now am resting on a tree limb high above the earth. I’m like a blue jay, united with the loved ones I’ve lost, asking them for guidance.
I have invaded the little ecosystem my dogs have built in my home. My dogs – many a long day they spent looking out the window for me to come home. Even when the sky grew black, they were there waiting. While I missed celebrating Halloween. While I missed enjoying the holiday season with my family – did Christmas even happen? They’ve been mini-Christmases really. Work, work, work, stuff myself with food, work. “I’m afraid we can’t give you that half-day off on Christmas Eve. You all didn’t raise enough money for…” – what was that cause? Well, a worthy cause that I will not tarnish.
But here I am - right here, right now - about to listen to the song that made me cry yesterday, “Waste" by Phish. Why did I cry? Because I was feeling worthless, just for a moment, because I don’t have a job, but really, I was feeling guilty for not appreciating the moment I was in. My boyfriend and my dogs and my family were all right there. Did I honestly think that not working was a waste of time? Is that what I thought? NO! What was I starting to become?
I saw it happening – my work defining me. Me feeding into the façade. Allowing myself to become the center of my universe, well not really me, but my job that I had confused with me. I was starting to become selfish, the last thing I want to be.
Well, I know better now as I sit here on this Monday afternoon. I want to GIVE. I don’t want to take. I want to serve others and nurture those I care about. I want to write for myself. I want to write in my voice. I want to be heard.
And what was it that I used to love to do…? Oh, I know!!! MUSIC – listening to it, playing it, singing it, discussing it, writing it, writing about it. Writing in a way as freeing as music. Creating. My craft – my passion – no, not passion – that’s another buzz word! Excuse me while I look up another word for passion…ahh, ecstasy! Yes, that’s the one - it makes me feel alive. What I LOVE and want to reach out and touch – EXPRESSION. What frees us, and what has the power to free the corporate world. How the truth will enters our universe! I want to say it, scream it, play it, sing it, swear it, throw it, drop it, I want to set the truth free.
Sure, money, whether we have it or not, is important, but are we sabotaging ourselves through the office politics, inability to work as a team, internal competition, gossip, dishonesty? I want to know I’ve done the right thing when I look in the eyes of my loved ones. Know that I’m not wasting another second of this precious life.
While I’m in between jobs, I’m going to enjoy this precious time. Because “this too shall pass.” And once I’m working again, hopefully I can do a better job remembering to balance my life. Give it all, but watch the time.
I have been laid off. But no need to feel pity. Because I am free! I am finding myself. Not my work identity, not what I do for a living. But me! If this is “wasting time,” then I invite everyone to “come waste their time with me.”
The beautiful thing is that every person can come back to themselves. A moment of clarity before we continue down our path, same or different. There were 14 others released that day. And another group released a few months ago. Millions of people being laid off everywhere. And I am proud to be one of them – on the other side. And yes, it’s a little bit like heaven…
